How To Converse With Contractors

The Bathtub Treatment

from The Santa Monica Daily Press
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I think I will dip my pink & white body in yon tub; I feel a bit gritty after the affairs of the day.  W.C. Fields

This all starts just before Christmas when my landlord (you know no story beginning with “my landlord” is heading anywhere good) leaves a note slapped on my apartment door: workmen are coming to take away my bathtub on December 27.

This is absurd. Right?  I call the landowner — way out in Paramount, formerly City of Industry — who tells me there is a Santa Monica City Code requiring 24-inches of space between bathtub and “water closet”.  I only have 17.

“But, I’ve been taking baths here for 25 years,” I say.

“Sorry,” he says.

“Can’t I get grandfathered in? What kind of flophouse are you running over here?”

“Workmen will be there on the 27th,” he says. “It is what it is.”

My landlord seems not to appreciate that hot baths have been a Santa Monica tradition of mine since 1994.You see I enjoy a weekend ritual featuring sacramental candle (scented), Epsom salts (ginger or white tea; lavender is for ladies), and KCRW deejays Garth Trinidad or Liza Richardson in the background. And hey: this is no over-the-top, cast-iron Roman tub. We’re talking good old American Standard porcelain.

He says he’ll fax me the work permit. Which he never does, but instead of getting angry, I get busy?  I call the family attorneys. My brother and my sister. Jim does mediation work in Michigan and Nancy is in San Diego, defending asylum-seeking Hondurans, but both say, sorry bro, a landlord has the right to bring a building up to code. Hey, what do they know about San Shamanica: where landlords force everybody out and charge the next tenant a zillion bucks?

Next, I call SMRR — Santa Monica Renter’s Rights — for support.  I leave a message on their hotline, get a message back, send another message, get one back, and that’s the last time I vote SMRR. (Casting no aspersions here; I know they are a fine organization. And I should have been home at the appointed time to welcome their wisdom, etc…) I go online to www.rental lawyer.Com. Pete the lawyer says the landlord should offer me money to move out. However,  a note from my doctor explaining, “I have a condition” — thank you Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Two! — will have no bearing on the case.

“What about mitigating circumstances?”  

The rental lawyer chuckles. Obviously I have no idea what I was talking about.

“It is what it is,” he says.

Down at the coffeehouse, my friends tell me, “a bathtub eviction is a first world problem.” Come on, here it is Christmas: I should feel fortunate to have a hot shower and a roof for $900 a month, God bless us everyone. 

So, I do what any DIY citizen should do: Type up every bad thing the landlord ever did and take it to City Hall.  Beth at the Rent Control Board I can tell really cares, considering it’s Christmas Eve. She reads my written complaint, stamps it, suggests I send a copy to the City Attorney, and directs me down the hall to Building & Permits. Susan, the Building & Permits clerk, checks her computer and finds, “No Permits Pulled” for my Ocean Park address. Susan is not as congenial as Beth. She says I should get in touch with Santa Monica Code Enforcement, but makes me go out to the rotunda to make the call. Which ticks me off.  I wish her “Merry Christmas!”sarcastically.  I’m feeling guilty and shameful by the time I reach the lobby but Derrick at Code Enforcement understands my plight! Derrick says the landlord, no doubt, has given me false information; he sees no permits pulled. He assures me: if workmen show up without a permit on the 27th he’ll, “send out a crew to shut it down.” Semi-relieved that nobody’s coming in on a besmirch-and-destroy mission to smash out the bathtub and ruin my life, I go spend Christmas with family in San Diego.

December 26 I get a call from Leslie, a Consumer Specialist at the City Attorney’s office. She cites California Civil Code Section 1941.1, which stipulates that landlords are forbidden to use, “lies or intimidation to make a tenant move out.”   And she offers: “Reasonable Modifications.” This forces a landlord to put in a new tub — but the tenant has to pay for it.

Finally, I call the contractor — way out in San Dimas in the 909 — and beg: “I have family in town for the holidays. My girlfriend cooked a ham.” Couldn’t they at least wait until 2019? (I’m still in San Diego, but you do what you gotta do when you’re a renter in “Bay City” — what Raymond Chandler called Santa Monica.)

Contractor Larry isn’t fazed and says the bathtub has to come out December 27th.

“Why?”

“It’s not up to me,” he says. “Talk to the landlord.”

“His mailbox is full. He won’t call me back!”

“It is what it is.”

And his last sentence…makes me go — to quote a family expression — nutsy cuckoo. I go off on the poor guy. A rage of f-words in f-sentences fly into the phone from somewhere primal. (I’m shaking when I hang up.) Emmet, my 6-year-old nephew watching all this, says: “What’s the matter with Uncle Hank?” I explain all I know about civil code enforcement and the iniquity of landlords.  Fifteen minutes later, the contractor calls back to say: They will wait until 2019. I thank him, apologize to him, and high-five my nephew.  “Go hard or go home,” Emmet says.  Indeed.  Now I get to spend New Year’s with family in San Diego. [Kids say the damndest things. Did he get that from “Fortnite”?]

toilet v tub

On January 2nd contractor Larry comes to my apartment with Building & Safety Inspector Seth. Seth repeats the, “water closet requires 24 inches of space,” thing.  They show me the code in a pamphlet. (Weirdly, Larry and Seth never use the word “toilet.”) I show them a letter from my doctor which says I require a regimen of, “hot bath treatments due to spinal injuries suffered playing football.” Inspectors don’t care about notes from your doctor. I knew Dr. Ravitz should have included, these ailments came while playing defensive back for the Division III Wesleyan University Cardinals and would have tied the school interception record if not for that game vs. Williams, whom Wes could never beat. [See My Brain on Football]  (Larry & Seth don’t have to know the injury occurred in 1976.)

The two men press into my tiny powder room. The inspector, not as congenial as the contractor, lays down the law: “There is no requirement to maintain a bathtub in any unit or single-family dwelling, for any reason, medical or otherwise. There is however, a requirement for the water closet to have 24 inches clear in front of it. The bathtub is going away.”

“Can’t you just move the toilet so there will be enough distance?”

“I’d have to take out the sink,” says the contractor.

“So?” I cry. “I’ll conduct my morning ablutions in the kitchen.”  I’m desperate, pulling out the phone and beginning to film everything they do. “Just for my own edification; I’m curious about your deconstruction process.” (Thinking: evidence for lawsuit, housing court, mitigating circumstances)

“I don’t do video,”says Seth, hi-tailing it out of the apartment to jump in the Building & Permits van — me chasing, shooting and shouting — as Larry calls after him: “You see what I’m dealing with?”  (the threat to “barricade” myself in the apartment may have set Seth off, I don’t know)

In my journal that night I write: Didn’t take final bath. Didn’t want to feel how good it felt. Need to get used to not having it.

Nobody shows up the next day, January 3. Or January 4, 5, or 6.  I do some yoga and call the contractor to ask what the hell is up.

“We’re going to spin the water closet,” Larry says. “Take out the sink. Keep the tub.”

A moment passes.

“Wait,” I say. “You mean, if I didn’t get a postponement, you would have taken the tub out on December 27th?”

“Probably, yeah.”

I call my mother to give her the good news because she gave me my first bath. She has some elder wisdom, how it’s true what they say about, the squeaky wheel always getting the grease.  (which is, weirdly, also a lyric in James Taylor’s, “Shower the People”)

The lesson learned?  Rub-a-dub-dub, Citizens! You can fight City Hall. Or your landlord, at least. But melting down all over the guy like that? *

I joined an anger management group and sent the contractor a fruitcake.

After

 

P.S. The spinal stenosis — my “condition” — feels better, thanks. A Santa Monica City Councilman read the above story in the Santa Monica Daily Press and emailed me: “The Rent Board administration has confirmed to me that things like bathtub removals are being used by landlords to harass tenants into leaving rent-controlled apartments.”

* My therapist said going off on a contractor like this is evidence of autonomic neuropathy, which means, a discombobulation of all functions as one loses it.

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How to Talk To Hollywood Directors

Santa Monica Daily Press June 2019

Everything Old Is Me Again

If you live in our fair city, you’ve seen Hollywood production crews on location sometimes around town.

One recent morning, I’m sipping a triple espresso on ice outside Sweet Lady Jane Café & Bakery when a guy – sunglasses dangling on vest – appears at my table saying:

“You’re in my shot.”

I see lights and a camera behind him. A black clapperboard chalked up with the word, “SiliQ”. His shot’s probably for one of those pharmaceutical commercials that seem to last for five minutes. A tall actress stands at the corner of 17th Street: fortyish, pale blue blouse and slacks. She’s about to stroll along Montana Avenue, playing one of the attractive people you see in the ads, living life to the fullest.

“Can you move?” asks the director.

“No thanks,” I reply.

“Huh?”

“I’m fine, really.”

“No … we’re filming here.”

There is no filming notification posted on my table. No blue sawhorses around, marking the crew’s territory. He says this will take fifteen minutes – tops. No problem, I say. I’ll just finish up my book (Sabbath’s Theater by Philip Roth – highly recommended!), overdue at our local library across the intersection.

photo by Satsui Nohado

 

“You’re not gonna move?”

“Can’t you just maybe move over a little, so I’m not in your shot?”

“You want me to re-set my entire crew.”

“What I want is for you to buy me a coffee.”

“Oh, come on!”

No, you come on, Doc Hollywood. I’m only here twenty-five years, but Santa Monicans know how this game gets played. I say (as the kids do today), “All. I’m. Asking. For. Is. Another. Espresso.” Preferably iced.

He says flatly, “You’re really gonna do this.”

I sense frustration. Exasperation escalates. Familiar juices stirring up inside me – which happens sometimes on caffeine, or alcohol or drugs. So now I’m set to go off on the guy with, like, “Get the (bleep) out of my face, you (bleeping motherbleeper)!“ That’s when anger management class kicks in. And what we learned last night was: “Anything can happen.” Meaning: I get to decide – in the space between feeling the emotion and expressing it – how I respond. Our therapist Greg says, “Freedom is between.” His methods for your madness include: taking deep breaths; asking yourself what would be a better outcome than blowing your stack; and why mess with some person’s poor life? (Even if he is a jerk who could easily come across with a cup of coffee.)

I dial it down. “Keep it on the d” – which is what my girlfriend calls it. Meaning: be deliberate. Proceed with all deliberate speed. The director asks if I could maybe slump down in my seat because I’m just at the edge of his frame. Can do, boss! A tall woman in pale blue – with a new prescription for life – passes my table, strolling west along the avenue …

“Cut! Moving On!”

You know, it’s amazing how a work of art can affect you. (Holding a mirror up to one’s nature, etc.) Philip Roth’s antihero in Sabbath’s Theater – Sabbath – is a sixty-something, ornery loser, fighting everything he hates in the world. I just turned sixty-something, and owe seventy-five cents for an overdue book. I hand a buck across the counter to Kathy, one of the delightful SMPL Montana Branch librarians, and say: “Keep the change! I support your fine institution!” She smiles. Kathy lives here, too, and knows I am not to be messed with.

      Friends of all shapes and species enjoy bath time

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MY BRAIN ON FOOTBALL

Semi-memories of my greatest hits & worsest hurts from playing Division III football back in the days of no dreads (and no brains, apparently)

 

WesleyanFootballField

Andrus Field, Middletown, Connecticut

 

It’s all reflective of how pro football has become our pseudo-religion. Why else do you think they play it on the Sabbath?  Chris Erskine, LA Times 

My mind is going. I can feel it.  HAL in 2001: A Space Odyssey

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/14603566/former-steelers-wr-antwaan-randle-el-wishes-chosen-play-football

Here comes another football season! That fall feeling! And when I read where former NFL star Antwaan Randle El (Pittsburgh Steelers, Washington You Can’t Say, But It’s Redskins) said he regrets ever playing the sport because,“Football players are in a car wreck every week”, what immediately popped into my head was that  game against Middlebury when a fullback hit me so hard I felt like I’d been run over by a Volkswagen.

(Beetle model, not a microbus)

I wish I could find words to describe the moment it happened. All my go-tos are cliches: Did you get the license plate on that…’cause I got the shit kicked out of me; Pow! He plowed over me like I wasn’t there; Wow! Hit by a freight train, knocked into the snowfence and left for dead, etc.  I remember this: A chilly November Saturday afternoon in Vermont. From the sidelines: a view of the Green Mountains through the goalposts. Bent ahead on my cleats in correct position: shoulders square to the approaching opponent.  Then…nothing. (No memory of the feeling though, thanx ghod!)

Okay, not proper tackling position for modern times. But “Little Three” college football in 1974 was as far away from the pro game as a stroll in a meadow is to a trek up a Teton. Yet, today I would have been thrown out of the game no matter what league, because I used my helmet to try and make the play.

Now that I’ve read Randle El’s and so many other stories of brain damage suffered after playing football, I thought, I better get going on getting everything down before I forget all the gridiron…highlights…that’s it, they were highlights weren’t they?  Our time on the ground will be brief, our minds at 60-something not so svelte (but still containing more cognitive flexibility than poor Randle El at 36!). Bringing it even closer to home was learning that Tyler Sash (defensive back on the NY Giants’ 2012 Super Bowl team) was found to have the degenerative brain disease chronic traumatic encephalopathy when he died at 27.

http://nyti.ms/1RMgbO8

I’m left with so many questions and few answers.

Here’s one I did get answered: Why do so many dbs today wear dreads?

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/12/reason-no-417-why-an-nfl-player-shouldnt-have-dreadlocks

I can tell you we never wore them from 1973 to 1977. Even if it is legal to pull guys down by them; a play I would have loved to make on such a dig me.* Which is what we called those show-offs.) It’s tough being a person that went 150 lbs in pads;  nobody believes you ever played football — “Yer built kinda close to the ground”–let alone NCAA D-III comp. Hey, how about some proper respect! (Is that where you get “props”?). Why else would I be feeling like the mad-genius HAL 3000 computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey, when he says: “My mind is going. I can feel it.”? My brain, addled by so many Middlebury-era Vince Lombardi-isms like, “Football is not a contact sport. Dancing is a contact sport. Football is a collision sport.”

Yeah, so I’d better get going. While I’ve never had my head examined, despite my mother always saying I “should,” like HAL: I can feel it.  I get little on-the-fritz things shooting through my right temple–zzzp! — every so often. Tiny stroke-like spasms. Is that something? 

I can only do the Monday Times crossword puzzle. I am hopeless with Sodoku and helpless with Roku. (I mean, c’mon, I went to Wesleyan University; Harry Reasoner, CBS anchor in the 1960s, said he’d never let his daughter go there!)

A wrong step, a mishap “just one of those things,” pulling things, plastered and seeing stars–dinged— come with the territory, of course.  Four years of college ball and four more in high school (and a year in junior high, when I had my first permanent injury while simply getting down into a three-point stance. Thinking the turf was muddy and would give way, I miscalculated my balance and hit solid ground instead, rupturing the fuck-you finger on my right hand. Which forced me to keep it in a split for a month, and having to put up with stupid finger-fuck jokes  from eight-grade  “Heavies” — I was on the “Lights” for lighter kids).  Fifty years later, this bent middle finger renders handwriting like “chicken scratch.”

Can you say chronic?

For the next nine autumns, I led with my head. No halfway smart participant would do such a thing now, or is even allowed to according to today’s rules of play. I did it because a football helmet is the hardest thing to introduce to the knee of a tight end, wide receiver, flanker, split end, back, running-oriented qb, or any other offense-oriented rival. Said “hat” was mostly adept at upending–poit!– these fuckers. (Anger ala “I’m Fucking Ted Williams, the fucking greatest ballplayer in the world today!” also helps one aggressively plunge one’s head full-speed forward in order to “make a play” Even if a big fat pulling guard/tackle/center blocks a direct path to a ball carrier,  lower your head even closer to the earth (“Yer built kinda close to the ground aint ya?” opposing coaches mocked me.) and dive at their ankles. That’s where the skinny parts are. You usually came up eating grass, but it beat being pushed backwards off the field by taking on these meat-on-the-hoof type linemen head-to-head.

That’s just they way I was coached, the way they drew it up — these admirable men, the finest role models in New England, who we called Mac, Costy, Herb, Hap, Itty-Biddiscombe.  Always too, of course: Coach. And I was coached that way because that’s what brought the other guy down, was curtains for him, end of play. End of the play you just made. Which was one of the greatest feelings you could ever have, ladies & gentlemen. (However, “spearing” the other fellow by the head when he was already on the ground was a cheap shot — a dirty play — but unlike now, you wouldn’t get tossed off the gridiron for it.)

Let The Good Times Punt

Football Fun came often. And it was often funny, although not in a “Football Follies” clip package type thing, which I also loved;  brilliant slo-mo up-close in-your-face NFL footage.

“Hats on, gentlemen,”  Coach MacDermott announces because it’s quicker than saying, “Gentlemen, fasten your straps, it’s going to be a bumpy contact drill.” Coach Mac employs more prepositions per command than any coach I’ve ever had: “Gentlemen, take it right in on over in there!”  I don’t recall any of our high school masterminds talking like that. (“Hat,” I think, was an Eastern thing, too.)

Playing for DCDS, Detroit Country Day School, our mentors were George Brown, Gene Reilly, John Bodary, Norm Hassinger, Don Hocevar, Bill Kuss, Ronnie Clemmer, Irv Lieberman (the last two we were allowed to call, “Clem” and “Itsy”). Hanson & Hansen, our JV coaches, never lost. Jerry taught calculus , John, earth science. The school’s most famous players were named Zwemer and Zangkas,

DCDS JV Football, 1970

DCDS JV: #44 is between M. Bucci and S. LaBret (Bonus  points for spotting Steve Ballmer!)

 

 

Once I did a piece for a public radio show called “Savvy Traveler” where I talked about the game — titling it Footfalls to lend a more autumnally sweet flavor of recollection to it. But I don’t want this to be a flowery “Flowers for Algernon” slow-mo montage of spillage where progressing brain probs eventually have me screaming “BINGO!!” inappropriately (signal the D shouts during an interception to let teammates know to start blocking because we’re heading the other way now), or “DaGammit!” audio stylings from a miked-up Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy QB on “The NFL 50 Years” lp after he gets picked off. But of course I’ve been reading the reports accusing the NFL of turning a blind eye to evidence that “players were sustaining brain trauma on the field that could lead to profound long-term cognitive disabilities.”  And how they’re four times as likely as other men their age to die of diseases like ALS and Alzheimer’s:

http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-nfl-concussions-death-20120906,0,842879.story

I only practiced this collision craft upon an NCAA gridiron, way less dangerous than NFL, which gives me a little more time I figure. But since my brains are on their way outta my head I may as well get going here or at least I keep telling myself (only having repeated myself once so far?)Picture me with ankles shaved and wrapped, jumping off the training table, wrists wrapped too, elbow pads tucked up tight (but not taped on), with a hat with one of those bar cages coming down the front (see JV photo) because my nose’s been broken since 8th grade when we wore only one bar and had to tackle halfbacks like this:  FACE FORWARD INTO THIGH PAD COMING FORWARD OOOF!!

A whole face cage of protection makes a wonderful weapon. I got a bunch of stickers all over the back of it — skulls and crossbones, arrowheads and little footballs, rewards for interceptions and other plays made on the field of play, with the most crunching of tackles made in a game getting a sticker doncha know, some on the sides, too.

 

The Importance of Numerals

Also you get the air cutting coolly in late October, smells of the greensward, the first sweep my way: Here he comes, a fullback big wide load wearing number 30-something because “30” make them look bulkier, meaning harder to tackle. Like I needed anything harder to tackle. Something to do with the curls of the 3 or the big Zero versus stick figures 1 or 2 makes ’em look bigger? I’m #41 in your scorecard, or #85, or sometimes #21, although at the Division III level you’re probably just looking at a sheet of colored paper identifying our roster. Lem Barney was my idol and he wore #20 for the Lions; I also admired #21 Bruce Maher and #81 Dick “Night Train” Lane. #37 looked cool too in the defensive backfield, back there where safety Larry Fischer played for the Cards. Not the Wesleyan Cardinals. The St. Louis Cardinals. The sheet would say 165 lbs. or sometimes 175 lbs. to strike fear in the opponents no doubt, yeah right, but I went barely 155 lbs. in pads. Maybe. Then add lamp black under the eyes — burnt cork smeared on cheeks, and well, it doesn’t do anything but look cool. Or at least felt cool.

Now playing football at Wesleyan University — The Wesleyan University, please not to confuse with playing at Ohio Wesleyan, North Dakota Wesleyan, Illinois Wesleyan, any of the Virginia Wesleyans, or John Wesley Harding played by Bob Dylan — games were in Middletown, which is in the middle of Connecticut, which is a small time state anyway. Not an SEC, Pac 12 or Big Ten “Legends” division quality of game is going on in front of hundreds of thousands.  Picture a “Little Three.” Containing Wesleyan, Amherst and Williams and that’s it. Still, although we don’t play Army or the Naval Academy or the Air Force Academy, we did play the Coast Guard Academy which is down on the southern coast of the state in New London so we called them, “the Coasties.” They were coached by former NFL qb Otto Graham whom we also mocked and had a live bear on the sidelines in a cage which was a trip and could be distracting.

On Defense with Coach Kosty

Wes “Perimeter” safety Steve Imbriglia, short half Sean McKeown, wide half #41, and Coach Kosty. Safety #26 Gary Sturgis to the right.

 

Once for some reason we did scrimmage Army. I wrote about it for the Wesleyan Argus: “Yep, West Point-dang-U.S. Military Academy. Our big old DattCo. bus rolling down Highway 66 heading west to 84, Golden 91 Q oldies in the back, guys asleep cradling textbooks. Connecticut is beautiful in the fall. The maples are the first to go, hinting red out there. Waterbury, Danbury, Kingsbury, Simsbury. We’re just mediocre college kids. Burger huts and blowouts, summer jobs and pre med, good dope, and ‘take care.’ The only genuine feeling left is the game. The field, the crispness of the afternoon, the first sweep your way. Here it comes.” Aside from repeating myself again darn it, here’s something different: During the scrimmage — BOOM! a cannon shot off and all the Army players stopped in the middle of the play, took off their helmets and turned to face a flag at the far eastern end of the field. A 5 p.m. ritual of some kind. It was like playing a religious squad. (This one provided a really good food fight later in their mess hall.)

 

Life In Division III

Wesleyan is the kind of school where we had music majors at wide receiver, pre-meds playing middle linebacker and longhaired centers who shake it all out at the fifty-yard line opening coin toss.  Jewish football players like myself and Ralph Rotman — I think we were the only ones —  got to miss practice (boring anyway) because of the high holy days which always come during football season each fall.  In my case it caused “Perimeter” Coach Peter “Kosty” Kostacopoulis* to call me out, seemingly shocked by the news:

“Christ Rosey! You Jews got more holidays than the Greeks!”

Skipping practice drills, sweet. Taking off after junior year to go live on a kibbutz, I don’t know what Kosty made of that.

 

Safety and lineman Brigs and, Ken Langley at Wes Reunion

Teammates Brigs and Langley at a reunion

So why do it? Play all those years? Since I was a kid and my Dad had played at Michigan so you know he taught us the game. We tossed the pigskin first out front in northwest Detroit next to Mr. Krause’s house on the tiny front lawn we shared with him, and then out back when we moved to a bigger house in ’65, in our huge backyard which backed up to a golf course so there were fairways in which to run patterns. Here he taught us to punt, pass and kick and knock each other flying in corduroy jeans and gym shoes until we’d get silly and just roll around in the rough, too tired to stand up anymore, filled with that dizziness where you can eat and eat and never feel full.

Fifty years later I got the permanent lower back problem and a bent right finger forever from a tendon rupture that never bent back and makes my handwriting look like chicken scratch. Not from playing with my dad, and otherwise I got no complaints. Except about the new rules that make the game harder for defensive backs. And every time I read articles about NFL players losing all their faculties making me think of the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey repeating, “My mind is going…I can feel it.”

 

First Contact: 8th Grade

At 13, just settling into the three-point stance, leaning forward into some mud — pop goes the middle finger on my right hand, resulting in out-for-the-year plus having to wear a sling for five weeks. That was 8th grade. High school I had some lower back problems — ah those hot bath Saturday nights at home! I got injured the first day at college catching a pass at the end of a hard fling by the qb which knock my baby finger perpendicular to my hand in a hairline fracture. Walt Grokowski the trainer snapped it back into place (Welcome to the next level), wrapped it and I went to meet my parents for Freshman Orientation. But that’s minor; I did play again 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th grade ball and four more years at university.

I remember when I couldn’t decide where to apply so I asked my high school head coach what he thought of Northwestern and he said: “They had a couple walk-ons last season.”

But I meant as a school, because I was going to be a journalist and they had a great J school didn’t they? Turns out Wesleyan was small enough to do sports at the school paper and play intercollegiate athletics. (Conflict of interests; one time I was so embarrassed by a loss, I refused to run an article about the game in the next week’s Argus because I didn’t want anyone to know.)

So when ol’ #30-something is rumbling around end, rushing full-on fullback-like through the ever-widening hole, I go into my crouching low, torpedoing forward patented tackle, ready to roll into his ankles —  at this weight my default move although the word default never entered my mind in college. Anyway, you just throw yourself at whatever comes your way. Could be a pulling guard leading the ball carrier to the corner (what they call “the edge” today), but this is when I felt least effective rolling myself up and cannonballing to take out said blocker. No glory, right? However, WHOMP! this time hit head-on by a Volkswagen, I’m sliding off the hood and next thing I know I’m smelling the grass.

 

Got my bell rung, didn’t I?A summer morning’s fresh cut grass, ahh. Dew-fallen or sprinklered, ending up sticking into my teeth. Clods of dirt divots clinging off the bars of my helmet. On the sidelines it can get sticky with Gatorade spilled all over the place and yellow jackets coming for the Gatorade get inside your helmet and can also be distracting.

(I bought a six-pack the other day and Gatorade definitely does not light up any good memories, let alone any magical thirst-quenching powers.)

“Down on the field” are all kinda sensory delights. Like if we play Colby you get rainy Maine coast. Or maybe that was Bates. But there’s a long walk to take through a grove of pines from the Bowdoin locker room to the field with needles to scuff your cleats across. The Berkshires in Massachusetts match the long shadows we cast on the sidelines at Williams or Amherst. Up in the stands students, parents and alumni wave pennants, eat peanuts and drink Schaefer Beer — classmates famously jamming the six-pack cardboard container over their heads and becoming “Schaefer Kings” for the second halves when we play at home.

WHEW.

fritz luedke at football game

Classmates with Schaefer beer and Cardinal caps at Andrus Field in Middletown CT

 

I must be feeling really nostalgic for my college days in Connecticut, like being back in sweet Middlebury Vermont, way up north in the good ol’ USA which is practically to Canada, but if you play them in September before the first frost it’s still soft, lying on your back to see the Green Mountains way out beyond the end zone gazing past the other team’s huddle and through their goalposts. This comes after a walking/biking workout the other day — the smell of my sweat usually won’t take me back to the way it smelled inside a football helmet in 1977, that smell after you take the helmet off, I mean.

Where I left all my hair.

 

Hazardous Humans

Now this: “Heightened risk of death from neurodegenerative disorders” as written in the journal Neurology about repeated blows to the head becoming the major safety issue in former players. I was always told the knees were the first to go. Neurology says they’re still trying to determine the long term effects, which may take a long term of time. But the authors — “from the National Institute for Occupation Safety and Health,” which is part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — have done the research on CTE, which stands for “chronic traumatic encephalopathy,” what Tyler Sash of the Giants had, which is “a buildup of proteins in the autopsied brains of former athletes who played a wide range of contact sports. CTE may have been the true primary or secondary factor in some of these deaths.”

Can we get back to the game please? It’s Super Bowl Week dagnabbit!

I just found out there’s a new app designed to help with head injuries during games:

https://hereandnow.wbur.org/2016/01/22/app-detects-head-injuries

 

Wes Sidelines with Jimmie

My brother Jimmie visits during a Wes road tilt

 

My brother Jim with Spirit of Detroit

Jim today, proud Detroiter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Autumn in New York

is often mingled with pain

Autumn in New York

it’s good to live it again  

Billie Holliday sings on Verve Jazzmasters 12

Every year when the leaves turn, I go back to those days playing defensive back in college or running a double-reverse through the open field (now called “in space”) in high school. No, back further now, I’m with my dad and Jimmie, out back going out for passes, running football patterns against each other with my father calling the plays: Go long, do a down-and-out, come back around in a button-hook, or attempt a flag pattern heading for the “flag” in the corner of the “endzone” both of which are marked by jackets placed on the grass. Best was a post-pattern which was cutting left toward the Dutch elm trees, right around the time they all began going down from Dutch elm disease.

Ford Motor Co. sponsored a “Punt Pass & Kick” competition every year and my dad would sign us up, we’d work on our skills for “PP & K” competition because the winner (never us) got to go onto the field some Sunday in November at Tiger Stadium. That’s where our heroes played, even though you may know the Detroit Lions were always bums who broke your heart every season — one year it got so bad we threw snowballs down from the upper deck during another never-crucial Bears game — I remember a player shielding horrible Coach Harry Gilmer with his mammoth oversized rain poncho as we fired away after packing what had accumulated under our benches. Was that in ’67? I know the Lions have only won one playoff game since 1957, but I’m still a semi-serious fan. (Dan Jenkins’ book Semi-Tough reference there for you.)

My point to all this is that your father is your first football coach. And what a great one mine was – born today, August 13, in 1919. Happy Birthday Dad! Norman H. played at Northern High (“Eski-Eski-Eskimos!” his cheer to make us laugh) of the Detroit PSL against the likes of Central and Pershing (Hamtramck too), and then in Ann Arbor where he tackled the likes of Tom Harmon, or missed him mostly he told us, as a member of the 1938 Michigan Wolverines. Here’s his name on the roster:

http://bentley.umich.edu/athdept/rosters/search.php?data=football&year_option=equals&year=1938&sortby=lastname%2C+firstname%2C+year&find=FIND

 

Winged Helmet

Meanwhile, in our backyard microcosm Jimmie liked to “go out” and I liked defending, backpedalling on the balls of new cleats gotten on Livernois Avenue – the Avenue of Fashion—at Olympic Sporting Goods which was right next door to my father’s shoe store not far from Billy’s Deli and Cunningham’s on the corner. My game was knocking the ball away as it came spiraling in the air, my dad trying to connect with Jimmie. Yes!! Is there any better feeling of accomplishment in the world when you make a play like that? Or even picking it off with a “BINGO!” shout. Bingo also being the whaddyacallit magic code word Vince Lombardi gave Green Bay, which I learned by reading his book, RUN TO DAYLIGHT **.  When Willie Wood or Herb Adderly (#24 and #26) came up with an interception, the entire defense reacted to the cry “BINGO” by turning around and blocking for the lucky db or safety who got the turnover. (I read that book in 1963 when I was about eight, memorizing the pictures because it was about the Packers preparing for the Lions, one team going 13-1 and the other 12-2 that season.)

Visiting Lambeau in 1970

Visiting Lambeau in 1970

Jimmie my brother turned into a a great halfback (like Packer Jimmy Taylor, Brown Jim Brown; was there a Jim on the Lions besides qb Ninowski?); he wore #40, set records in the 100-yard and scored many touchdowns for the Yellowjackets, as did his sons eventually, my nephews Ben and Harrison, both playing quarterback and wearing #12  for DCDS thirty years later, going through their own concussive events with little protocol except to keep it from the grandparent who first coached us, and from their grandma, of course.

 

Sibleys Basketball Team

My father played hoops too, here in red with my Uncle Billy next to him

 

What my father taught me paid off. He schooled us well, I mean I think we had skills, we were well-coordinated (big word then) enough to make plays well with the pigskin with others.  Overcompensating for size is what all little guys do  to make it up the athletic levels — the great Kirby Puckett of the Minnesota Twins said pretty much the same thing upon entering the Baseball Hall of Fame.

HankJim&Dad@Beach

Sons with Dad/Coach in 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Game in 1938

Wolverine game in Ann Arbor 1938

 

Playing both ways was standard — split end and defensive back — in high school, and then in intercollegiate ball in Middletown I got to play split end as #85 against Princeton pre-season my sophomore year and caught a td. But I switched to D after that game, eventually  switching numbers too, to #41 junior year. It was late October during my senior year when the Cardinals headed up the #91 turnpike into Massachusetts for a “tilt” (eastern term for a game) against our rivals, the Ephman from Williams College who were good every year it seemed, despite having worst nickname in the history of sports. We could sometimes beat the Lord Jeffs of Amherst***,  the Bantams of Trinity, the something-or-others from WPI (also known as “Woopie,” Worchester Polytechnic Institute, mascot “Gompei the Goat” I just found out via Google), and the Coast Guard Coasties — but rarely did we ever beat Williams. Except in this clear crisp day in the Berkshires, perfect football weather, we had them beat, rolling up 28 points by the 4th quarter.

 

Life In A Perimeter

My position on the defense was called “Wide Half” – meaning, I defend the wide side of the field, depending on where they place the ball, the point on the field the offense begins their four downs, the line of scrimmage marked on either hash mark (See top photo of Andrus Field). Years before hash tags, chalked hash marks indicate yardlines, a total of one hundred on the field. At Wesleyan this position was pronounced, “wide haahf,” because Coach Peter “Kosty” Kostacopoulis was from Maine. On the short side of the field, Sean McKeown played “Shot Haahf.”  The entire defensive set up was called “The Perimeter” and you can figure out how Kosty pronounced that. Mac, Herb Kenny, Hap Clark and John Biddiscome were also Easterners.

(Michigan’s defense for years featured a “Wolf Back” and a “Monster Back,” but I didn’t know anybody with a “Perimetah.”)

Being small but quick (quickness in football is genuinely valued; one’s lateral movements called into play constantly), I was able to rush up and make a play, usually a tackle, or I could dart over to a receiver the quarterback was throwing to. Being little means you dive onto the turf a lot, flinging yourself at the knees of halfbacks coming up the field with the ball and what is called “a head of steam.” A rolling tackle can give you a great feeling of “upending” somebody, often times offenders who’ve gone into the air and caught a pass and are still coming down with it. (Players are so skilled today you see them jumping over defenders like me who come balled up and bulleting at them to interrupt forward progress.) Actually, it’s the only way I can get a big guy down; once, I rode the back of a 6-foot-6 Amherst tight end named Swiacki I think it was out of bounds and that just looked silly.

Sacrifice your body.

My favorite all-time tackle was back in Michigan during a JV scrimmage against Goodrich HS, this big back came bumbling around end –#30? — and Bob Rosenthal playing linebacker and I hit him low (me) and high (Bob) and the three of us flew out of bounds as one. Gathering ourselves to get back up, we looked at each other, Bob and I, both spitting, “Cool!” through our mouth guards like we’d perfected the absolute smoothest takedown play. Textbook it was, and we still email about it today.

(The worst tackle I ever did not make was in college, where you go down into a crouch and the runner goes right around your butt? Talk about looking silly, on the game film the coach runs back and forth purely for his amusement the following Monday.)

Anyway, in college, affected by crazy crowd noise, crazy campus band, and sometimes just the glint of sun off cars pulled up to tailgate beyond the end zone could send me into space outs. On the D, late in the game, sometimes I’d be so banged-up I couldn’t bend over to re-tie my cleats let alone make any plays. You’re just way too winded to be very effective. (“4th quarter’s ours!” went the cheer at basketball games, but in football you kinda hope the play goes the other way.)

This is no fun at all. But you never leave the field because you never know if you’ll get sent back out there.

 

Cardinals vs Ephmen

That’s probably why on this one Saturday up in Williamstown I gave up two touchdown passes in the last four minutes okay, and so even though we ring up 4 tds of our own, the Cardinals lose 35-28 thanks to me. How? They snuck a couple of curl-ins just across the goal line — hook patterns, I guess you’d call ’em today? Killed us. They’re very tough to defend – an offensive player running straight at you suddenly stops and turns back to a ball already in the air and coming straight at him. But no excuses, I cost us a big game. On one of the last weekends I’d ever play.

Wes Sidelines with Jimmie

From Williams game described here?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The prior spring I’d dropped out of college to live on kibbutz, a farm in Israel where the orchards and fields and dairy are all run as a socialist commune with everybody working together, dressing in the same blue work clothes and carrying no money ever. This is when I kind of stopped caring about the whole dog-eat-dog competition-first winning and losing thing that football seasons seem to thrive on.

My father said something very Samuel Beckett once. We were perusing the sports pages of the Detroit Free Press,  a daily ritual morning noon or night, and pointing to the standings of our professional baseball, football, basketball and hockey teams, he explained, “You know, you can never make up a loss.”

 

The All-Important Loss Column

Sad but true. He was talking about the “all-important loss column.” Most wins win. Losers walk to the other end of the field when you play touch football and get scored upon.  (Yes, the “wild card” now means additional statistics are tallied in addition to wins and losses in determining playoff teams.)  But that discovery hit me hard as a youth.

And I really did feel horrible, letting my teammates down in giving up those two touchdowns in Williamstown. In fact I remember I didn’t even shower after the game, I just changed out of my uniform and left the locker room before anyone else quick as I could. I was near to sulking on the team bus before it headed back down the turnpike to Connecticut but something sent me wandering back to the gridiron. To perhaps just sit the stands and let whatever fading sunlight was left warm me.

The sod turned upside down all over the field seemed undisturbed as an abandoned battlefield. Except down at one end was a man playing with two kids. They may have been his sons, maybe a son with his friend. I don’t know, it didn’t matter. The man sent the two boys out for passes, one catching while the other defended. In his big thick New England sweater, jogging slightly to one side and pitching the pigskin forward into the end zone, he reminded me of my father. My brother catches it. I tackle him. We fall into the grass…Touchdown!

I shivered. The gloaming, right? Then came a warm tingle – one of those ineffable moments you get a few times in life if you’re lucky when everything connects past-present-future and you learn why exactly you’re doing the thing that you’re doing, no matter how you’re doing it, as long as you get to do it? (A Dylan line comes to mind, from 1974’s Blood On The Tracks: “Life is sad life is a bust, all you can do is do what you must/You do what you must do and you do it well…”)

Like on an acid trip where even though everyone tells you not to look in the mirror, you look in a mirror, and see your brother’s face and your father’s face and grandfather’s face and the entire history of your family’s face appear illuminated over yours in there, telling you the story of your life. Approaching death?

The next Saturday that fall was our last game and do I need to tell you? Of course I played just about the best I ever did, stealing two passes to tie the school interception record in a 44-0 drubbing of our cross-state rival, the Trinity (“Trin Trin”) Bantams in Hartford.

I guess this was a lot about wanting to remember my first coach. Thank you Dad. As I head toward dementia at possibly too early an age, never let it be said that football doesn’t teach wonderful lessons. I just hope I can remember what they were…or are. Whatever?

 

pic of me tipping cap

 

 

 

Enjoy the game, everybody!

 

 

Kegs in winter at Wesleyan

Kegs in winter at the Wesleyan DKE House

 

 

 

* Dig-me: An egoistical A1-a-hole (athleter or civilian).

* Peter Kostacopoulos recorded over 400 wins in 27 seasons as head baseball coach at Wesleyan.

** Anniversary edition of book about Packers vs Lions in 1963: http://www.amazon.com/Run-Daylight-Vince-Lombardis-Packers/dp/1476767173

***Amherst U. has changed its nickname: “Lord Jeff, as he is known here, lost the support of students who saw him as a symbol of white oppression for advocating the wiping out of Native Americans by giving them smallpox-infected blankets more than 250 years ago.” But the little cardinal continues to fly forever…

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/27/us/amherst-college-drops-lord-jeff-as-mascot.html?emc=eta1&_r=0

Stabler’s Brain: Oakland Raider QB Ken “the Snake” Stabler, who died at 69, with video and diagram:

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/04/sports/football/ken-stabler-nfl-cte-brain-disease.html

A site for sore pro players: http://www.dignityafterfootball.org

END ZONE is a football novel by Don DeLillo from 1972 but I didn’t read it until I finished playing college ball and maybe you shouldn’t either: http://www.amazon.com/End-Zone-Don-DeLillo/dp/0140085688

Favorite pick, because there’s a pic of it, against North Branch, 1972. Eric Hansen, Dave Merritt with me on D. (Does Puma still make cleats?)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Radio story: http://savvytraveler.publicradio.org/show/features/2001/20011116/feature1.shtml

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The Times They Are A-Talkin’

Benoit Tardif

Benoit Tardiff

 

Speaking of conversations,  the other day in a New York Times’ new feature called “Here to Help,” came this offering: HOW TO HAVE MORE ENGAGING EVERYDAY CONVERSATIONS.

Wow! The New York Times has spoken! I guess I don’t have to offer any more tips now do I?

I’ll link to the article at the bottom of this column, but here is the opening of their story:

” Ask people what they miss most about college, and many will mention something similar: the intellectual stimulation of living near hundreds of thousands of potential friends, studying physics, psychology and literature, with the time to talk over a meal or some drinks late into the night. But there are ways to keep that conversational spirit alive no matter where you are. Here are three pieces of advice.

  1. Unite around a common interest
  2. Be friendly, open and polite
  3. Don’t overthink it “

 

I want to add these most excellent convo kickstarters from my friend Nick O’Connor, lines he says he heard Spalding Grey try out:

  1. What do you do for fun?
  2. What happened to you on the way over here?

 

So as I head to a college reunion in Middletown, Connecticut, I’ll leave you this link to the Times column and make sure that as I walky the old campus I talky into the night with me old college chums…

www.nytimes.com/2016/10/18/well/tips-engaging-conversation.html

 

Until then, talk with me

Obama sez CALL MEPhone Booths NYC

ping zhu WHALE CONVOComputerConvo

Harpo MarxSay Whaaa?

border smartdogPeace Fingers

 

 

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On RECLAIMING CONVERSATION (by Sherry Turkle)

Dear Friends,

A major announcement today. I am finally getting around to reading Sherry Turkle’s bestseller from 2015, “RECLAIMING CONVERSATION: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age.”

Is she just the guru to teach an old WalkyTalky some needed new tricks?

 

reclaiming-convo-cover

Her thesis is that our, “new mediated life has gotten us into trouble.” We’ve lost the art of conversation.

But she claims the way to reclaim it is: FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION

That’s what can save us.

YAY!

A sociologist and psychologist, Turkle calls conversation: THE TALKING CURE. The problem is, “these days we find ways around conversation.” Today’s mediated life (online, on smartphones) she writes, is “a flight from conversation. At least from conversation that is open-ended and spontaneous, conversation in which we play with ideas, in which we allow ourselves to be fully present and vulnerable.”

(Which is what I’ve been trying to stimulate as a local folk journalist)

Real conversations, like the ones she enjoys, “require time and space, and we say we’re too busy” for that.

(Exactly how I feel about meditation: I’m too busy!)

Seriously, Turkle warns that today’s loss of talk signals a new Rachel Carson SILENT SPRING.

That serious? Yep.

“Only this time,” she writes, instead of an attack on the environment it is an attack on empathy.”

EMPATHY? OH NO! I FEEL YOU, NO?

Turkle studied American youth in schools, at home, and at play for this book and discovered that they’re not developing emotionally. A 12 year-old will whine on the playground, “YOU CAN’T PLAY WITH US,” like an 8 year-old would.  No empathy there.

Old conversation used to teach empathy. But today’s students seem to understand each other less. And she blames our constant connectedness, ironically.

“Computers offer the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.”

“We are being silenced by our technology,” writes Turkle.  In a way, “cured of talking.”

With tech always around (phones at the dinner table), “Conversation is fragmented and everyone tries to keep it light.”

KEEP IT LIGHT

Tech gives us a “Goldilocks Effect”: having, “each other at digital distance—not too close, not too far, just right.

In contrast to human relationships “which are rich, messy and demanding.”

And this Goldilocks Effect, she writes,  “is part of the move from conversation to mere connection.”

But what about E.M. Forster’s fabulous admonition to, “Only connect.”  Aint that enough anymore?

Connection through conversation, yes, she says.  “Technology enchants,” she admits. But it also “makes us forget what we know about life. Every time you check your phone what you gain is a hit of stimulation, a neurochemical shot, and what you lose is what a friend, teacher, parent, lover, or co-worker just said, meant, felt.”

WHOA! DID YOU KNOW PLAYGROUND ACCIDENTS ARE INCREASING BECAUSE PARENTS ARE ON THEIR PHONES?

AND DID YOU KNOW FACEBOOK HAS NO THUMBS DOWN?

Turkle says that on social media you learn to only share the positive. That when we don’t communicate face-to-face, it’s much easier, “to compose, edit and improve as we revise,” conducting that conversation online.

But conversation is about the narratives in our lives. “Conversations with a good teacher communicate that learning isn’t all about the answers. Its about what the answers mean.”

WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT MR. NATURAL?!

So what does this mean?  More importantly, what does it mean for your average WalkyTalky seeking clever conversations?

I cannot say it better than she does. I’m sure it will come back, creativity-filled fun conversation. Everything old will be new again, etc. “Thrilling conversation” as “a crucible for discovery,” as Turkle reminds us.

BORING SIDNEY, BORING!

But in the meantime, to kids today the greatest fear is BOREDOM.   

However, Turkle posits, “boredom is directly linked to creativity and innovation….like anxiety, it can signal new learning.”

So what is to be done? “Conversation?” says one of her college-age friends. “It died in 2009.” (Right around when people began sharing things on Facebook, where the attitude is. “Don’t talk it. Post it. Share it.”)

Well, since I certainly don’t want to be boring for our younger readers…herewith no more trying to tell folks how not to bore other folks anymore…..zzzzzz….what a snoozer, right?

by Kate Blegvad
Kate Blegvad

 

And so from now on, this blog will feature short narrative compression about other things. Things like FOOTBALL and MUSIC and DEATH and SHAKESPEARE and RADIO and wacky WalkyTalky man-on-the-street-scene interviews about LOVE and GOD and ELROY JETSON.

Stay tuned. Next time I’ll try to explain this empathy thing. And who knows? This stuff may even stimulate conversation.

LINKS

“RECLAIMING CONVERSATION” The Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle (Penguin 2015)

http://www.reclaimingconversationbook.com

Turkle’s mentor is David Riesman, author of The Lonely Crowd (1950), which I recall we were assigned in Sociology class weren’t we?

http://www.anb.org/articles/14/14-01157-print.html

 

Should we talk about the weather?

Should we talk about the government?  

REM “GREEN”

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