Can’t help yourself from talking? Like Joni Mitchell: “I’m always talking/Chicken squawking.”
Sounds like you could be an aspiring folk journalist!
But remember, an awkward phase can be handled. (And it is just a phase so please keep your phasers on stun — nobody wants to get hurt here.)
Did I say phase? I meant phrase.
Either way, self-deprecation that is also funny is your best move.
Here is an actual conversation that took place in an actual restaurant. We’re in the town of Glenwood Springs, Colorado, and my friend Sally orders, “Rocky Mountain Oysters.”
SALLY: I had them once. They’re delicious.
HANK: Really?
SALLY: Yep.
HANK: Are you sure? I heard they’re slimy.
SALLY: You’re thinking of Oysters Rockefeller. Those are very slimy.
HANK: Oh.
WAITER ARRIVES
HANK: Um, how are these prepared, like fried or garlic oysters?
WAITER: They’re deep fried, served with a barbecue sauce, sir.
HANK: Mmm. Okay.
SALLY: See?
HANK: Sounds great!
FOOD ARRIVES
HANK: These definitely look deeply-fried.
WAITER: Yes, these are your beef bull balls, sir.
PAUSE
HANK: Oh.
SALLY: Oh.
Awkward, right?
Possible lesson: Never argue with a gal named Sal, for you will not win that conversation.
Back Pocket Banter
What’s your method to “smooth over” uncomfortable situations?
What did you say to get out of one?
When have you found it awkward to navigate life?
What is the strangest food you’ve ever tasted?
Activity Guaranteed To Ease Awkwardnesses
If complimenting a person about an item of clothing doesn’t get you out of an awkward phase, try the following: Do something silly. Lift your right arm above your head, and turning your body slightly to the right, bend that right arm at the elbow, waving your hand over your head with a shout of “Woo Hoo!” At once intimate and anti-intimate (especially if employed too closely, bringing unwanted physical contact), this shticklact* I watched displayed to perfection in 1976 by a British gentleman called David Bernstein at the border between Israel and Lebanon. It proved to be a terrific communication and ice-breaking tool with non-English speakers, also amusing those in uniform.
Lesson: Put an onus of awkwardness upon yourself. This will allow others to laugh and relax.
The new Leonard DiCaprio movie “The Revenant,” takes you deep into the wilderness, featuring breathtaking scenes from the mountains of western Canada down to Tierra del Fuego Argentina. It takes place in 1823 in Montana and South Dakota. And despite the difficulty of his character’s journey, I’m here today to tell you that conversations for the rest of us along the trail? No walk in the park either.
First off, there’s not that much talking when communing best with the woods. As counselors up at Camp Lookout in northern Michigan, we had this rule while hiking: “Silence on the Trail!”
Beautiful idea, right?
But as an adult, please don’t yell me to shaddup for singing side two of “Abbey Road” or my favorite Dan Fogelberg choruses as we scale the high Sierra. You are supposed to sing, and loudly – try Broadway show tunes — when attempting to scare away the bears. (spoiler alert: Did Not Work for DiCaprio)
August in the Grand Tetons
According to Joseph Campbell (and others, of course) the bear is the oldest worshipped deity in the world. And like bears, every hiker you pass out there has their own way of being. Different from city walking where you ignore everybody you come in close contact with (because FILL-IN URBAN AVOIDANCE STRATEGY HERE), far outside the megalopolis, guess what: You can actually include and welcome humans to your side. Why? Because where it’s you vs. nature out there (one cannot emphasize the “out-thereness” of outdoors enough), any chance to join forces may come in handy so I’m here to encourage it.
We’re talking about survival among the rawest elements of life! Plus, chances to relate in ways no human ever has a chance to. (Be sure to take along a Marmot rain jacket – talk about a real lifesaver.)
Backpack Banter for Urbanized Campers
To anyone crossing your path, “Have a good one,” is short and sweet. “Howdy,” is even shorter. These greetings — or say, “May the peace of the wilderness be with you!” – force the opposing trailblazer to return with a “Have a good one!” (Albeit just in passing, because I can’t stop continuing to get down this trail/up the trail/to my campsite/and am lacking breath from sweating through another dang switchback/I need to push on farther along without any help from you no thank you very mucho…)
Note: Trail Etiquette 101 gives those going uphill the right of way. Trail Etiquette 101.1 teaches that if time allows, you may offer comments about passing trekker’s t-shirts and ball caps, as in: “Star Trek, cool…” or “the Wyoming cowboy. Cool,” or “Harvard? Really?”
Advanced Trail Etiquette says avoid, “May the force be with you” or asking about their gear, because there is nothing like humblebragsters going on about having proper rain gear in places like the Grand Tetons (see Marmot) because while it may be the youngest of the Rockies range, they do create their own weather system, putting you as warily in the moment as those furry little marmots bouncing boulder to boulder just ahead of you.
But hey, it’s your gambol; you can pretty much say anything. Let’s face it, in nature one is unrestrained. And you will probably not see that hiker again. So go ahead freely: “Next summer I gotta get me one of them umbrella hats!”*
Convo To Go
Feeling burned out on your trail? Put these in your pack to poke ’em with:
“I feel absolutely tree ripened out here, don’t you?”
“That there is a Jeffrey Pine. Yep. Go on up and smell it. Yes, you can scratch the bark and smell it. Is that vanilla? Butterscotch? Crazy, right? Well, there are over 300 different kinds of pine — funny you should ask — pinus, if you will. The Jeffrey grows mostly in the Sierra range. Did you know also that the presence of trees have been shown by a study to lower violent crime?”
Bonus
With just a few folks left around the campfire, folk singing & conversational storytelling having crackled down to a cool blue whisper, might be time for employing the following to blow whatever minds are still open:
“Ever tried living in Deep Time? When you slow down a little first, get away from the very next thing in front of you and go back like to when you are in nature— living in deeper and deeper time, the slower and slower it gets, stretching out in its passing to where you go all the way back and accept yourself as a part of the Story of Evolution itself. You realize you are part of this living being floating through the universe where the percentage of calcium in your tears is the same as in the oceans. That’s what aging is: part of it as all of it processes. So now you can quit worrying; humans have been here for 20 thousand years. The mammoths 10 million years. Dinosaurs 100 million years. Forget about wondering whether to get dirty in nature. And don’t worry about whether we should kiss, because there is more bacteria in your mouth than in all the humans who ever lived on the planet.”
Questions
Did you ever want to be a park ranger when you were a child?
Which national parks have you visited? How about overseas?
Did you ever get angry during a camping trip and what was the cause?
What’s the most amazing highway you’ve ever traveled upon?
What was the scariest thing to ever happen to you while camping?
Describe the coolest animal you’ve ever seen out there.
How would your friends describe you in relation to camping or hiking?
Bonus Convo!
If you are in the eastern U.S., try: Did you know that “Hudson” as in the Hudson River means “great waters constantly in motion”?
If you are in the western U.S.: Did you know that “Pacific” like in the ocean means “peace”?
Bonus Activities!
Take a day hike without your phone.
Ask some friends to join you for some outdoor activity or sport.
Tell a story around a campfire. (Remember that certain scary tales, like featuring Bloody Fingers! and other body parts, may drive more people into their tents than keep them conversing/smoldering by the fire.)
Relate a tale from time spent at summer camp.
Write a short letter thanking the person who introduced you to the natural world.
Folk journalist switchbacking out, walking stick on rock.
VINCENTIO
But is it true? or else is it your pleasure,
Like pleasant travellers, to break a jest
Upon the company you overtake?
HORTENSIO
I do assure thee, father, so it is.
The Taming of the Shrew
In my first interview with a Sierra bear we were frightened and embarrassed, both of us, but the bear’s behavior was better than mine.
